iHREE 
TREMENDOU 
TRIFLES 



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THREE TREMENDOUS TRIFLES 



Digitized by the Internet Archive 
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The Library of Congress 



http://www.archive.org/details/threetremendoustOOelki 



THREE 
TREMENDOUS TRIFLES 



BY 

FELTON B. ELKINS 




NEW YORK 

DUFFIELD & COMPANY 

1919 






V 






Copyright, 19 19, by 
DUFFIELD & COMPANY 



m ~7 19S0 



'CI.A511847 



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CONTENTS 

PAGE 

First Tremendous Trifle 

The Belgian Baby 9 

Second Tremendous Trifle 

The Quick and the Dead 51 

Third Tremendous Trifle 

^'Figuratively Speaking" 83 



THREE TREMENDOUS TRIFLES 



THE BELGIAN BABY 

[a farce] 

CHARACTERS 

Tony Harcourt, a confirmed, tlwugli not infii^m, hacJi- 

elor, 18 to 45. 
SiBLY, Ms man-servant, nurse, Judge Advocate, etc. 

Age appropriate. 
Constance Blakney, a professional Society girl, hut 

showing hr ceding in spite of it; 21 in years, 35 in 

experience. 
VivETTE Clamore, an unprofessional, grown up to 18 — 

and otJier things. 

Note: Both women are (as the time is placed several 
years hence) dressed in an exaggerated vogue of 
today; since styles will repeat but can seldom re- 
trieve. 

Scene: In sitting-room of Tony Harcourt 's Town 
Flat. 

Time: Nineteen years in the future. 

Setting: The walls are neutral to the hangings. The 
furniture masculine in spite of woman* s emancipa- 
tion. One still needs a place of fire, this one is Back 
Centre, in the form of an antique Russian stove, 
lofty and hroad-tiled (period of the Romanoffs). A 
more than easy chair is to Left of this with an out- 

9 



10 THREE TREMENDOUS TRIFLES 

of'door and air-cushioned swing couch opposite 
Right, There is a normal-shaped ** kidney** desk 
and chair down Centre toward Left with a paper 
cutter, pile of letters, telephone, on it. The wall 
lights are ship's-shape, the pictures are entirely of 
aeroplanes in many altitudes and attitudes. Books 
in neat piles about the floor except for a large tin 
box on a stool in front of the stove in which is a 
litter of photographs, letters, a faded hunch of flow- 
ers, a pair of garters and a fan, etc.; and an open 
trunk with certain still manly articles of wearing 
apparel in disorder hanging over its side. A card 
tray on a Greek pedestal hy door hack Right and 
near it the House Telephone. Other Exits are up 
Left and down Right. French windows hack Left 
and down Left looking out on blank walls. The 
ground cloth is indifferent. The lighting denotes 
morning. 

At Rise: Discover Harcourt seated on extreme edge 
of easy-chair. He is dressed in pepper and salt 
trousers tight from the knee down with pressed 
*'turn up'*; a frilled shirt-front, short brocade 
dressing-gown of aubergine and blue, etc., Morocco 
slippers; also he has on a tall silk hat. He is whis- 
tling a snatch from the old Folk Song, *' Can't Get 
Away to Marry You To-day, My Wife Won't Let 
Me,*' while rummaging through the contents of the 
tin box in front of him. 

Enter Sibly up left, with an evening dress coat and 
low waistcoat over one arm; a pair of varnished 



THE BELGIAN BABY 11 

hliicher hoots in liis otJier "hand. Sibly is the early 
Victorian EnglisJi man-servant, now only differ- 
enliated from liis master in that lie wears an Eton 
jacket witJi hroad flat linen collar and flowing how 
tie. Otlw^wise, lie Jias whiskers, 

Sibly. 
H '1 wouldn ^t sing that if I wer« you, sir. 

Harcourt. 

It is an ill omen air. [Laughing, waves hefore Sibly 
a hunch of letters; then throwing them into the stove.] 
Memories of Maude, Sibly. 

Sibly. 

Still at it ! This is too bad of you, sir, and your 'at on 
in the house. That's an h'ill omen, too, sir. 

Harcourt. 
Did it to keep in mind I was to be 

Sibly. 
Married h' off — this morning? 



12 THREE TREMENDOUS TRIFLES 

Harcourt. 

No, married out! [TJie desk telephone rings. Sibly 
liastily crosses to it,] 

Sibly. 

Hello, no — ^line^s busy- — Mr. Harcourt 's busy— yes. 
You're busy, too, h'if you ask me. 

Harcourt. 

What's that? 

Sibly. 

[Echoing on telephone.] . What's that? But I'm posi- 
tive, 'e don't know you, miss, 'ow so?— Because Mr. Har- 
court don't know nobody I don't know all about. What? 
You say you're h'all alone with his address, miss? 
That's safe enough if you'll h'only remain so— yes. 
[Hangs up,] 

Haecourt. 

Who was that? 

Sibly. 

[Crossing up to Harcourt with a sigh.] Another 
h 'applicant I should judge, sir. 



THE BELGIAN BABY 13 

Harcourt. 

[Sniffing at anotlier bundle of letters.] Aniseed — 
Carrie — Poor Carrie — how we adored each other; for a 
whole month. [Throws tliem after tlie first lot.] 

SiBLY. 

[W7io sets down the boots by his chair arid kneels.] 
Come, Mr. Harcourt, sir, your past must wait on your 
wedding, sir. You must be dressed for the part. 

Harcourt. 

[Kicking off one slipper with a laugh.] Strange feel- 
ing this being dressed for one's part, instead of one's 
past, Sibly. [As Sibly slips on one boot, makes a face 
at him.] 

Harcourt. 

Will Miss Constance allow me to fly, do you think? 
[Indicates aeronautical pictures.] 

Sibly. 
Not 'at h'any such great h 'altitude, sir. 



14. THREE TREMENDOUS TRIFLES 



Harcourt. 

Think I shall make a very faithful husband to Miss 
Constance ? 

SiBLY. 

[Nodding toward the box.] Judging from the con- 
tents of the room, sir, I should find it 'ard to say. 

Harcourt. 

Unkind of you, Sibly, when you know IVe spent this 
entire morning destroying my past. [Spying a pair of 
pink frilled garters with blue rosebuds in the box and 
making a dive for them.}^ But ye know, IVe always had 
a feeling that a man should never be judged by his past, 
but his personality. 

Sibly. 

[Poking Mm back again into the chair by jerking Jiis 
other foot,] I shall never 'ave you ready in time, if you 
don't- — 

Harcourt. 

[Holding out the garter for Sibly 's inspection,] 
Look who's here. 



THE BELGIAN BxVBY 15 

SiBLY. 

[Tartly as lie finishes with hoots.] Most h 'indiscreet 
to keep garters 

Harcourt. 

Ah! but they once encircled such delightful legs; 

hadn't the heart then to [Makes as if to throw 

them into the stove.] 

SiBLY. 

[Stopping him.] I wouldn't now, sir. Eubber still 
smells badly. [Crosses for waistcoat and coat.] 

Harcourt. 

[Taking a lot of photographs from the box and look- 
ing at the first one, shaking his head rather sadly.] 
Oh! thou fool sentimentalist. [Over the top of photo- 
graph to SiBLY who through the following attempts to 
get him out of dressing gown and into his waistcoat and 
coat.] We always admire the blondes who take us in, 
Sibly. 

SiBLY. 

You used to run to blondes, if you remember, sir. 



16 THREE TREMENDOUS TRIFLES 

Harcourt. 

Yes, now I run from them — clever girl, Celeste, 
[Breaks pliotograpJi in two, tJien anotJier, wliisiling' 
snatches from tJie same tune, ** Can't Get Away," etc.] 

Harcourt. 

[At last, as Sibly in desperation takes out watch.] 
What's the time? 

Sibly. 

Past eleyen. 

Harcourt. 

We never seem to be able to get away from my past, 
do we? [Handing last remaining photograph to Sibly, 
as he slips out of dressing gown.] 



Sibly. 

[Becoming so engrossed in face of photograph 
that he forgets to hold Harcourt 's waistcoat, who 
snatches it.] This is too bad of you, Mr. Harcourt, sir. 
You've been trying to 'old something out on me again. 



THE BELGIAN BABY 17 

Harcoubt. 

Here. [Snatcldng pliotograpli.] Loosen that buckle 
strap ! [ Then turning it sideways and reading inscrip- 
tion.] ''Your Belgian Baby, age 18, at Liege." [Sliah- 
ing Ms liead.] Don't know it — new one on me. 
[Disattacliing folded slip pinned to pliotograpli.] Here's 
something. Why, it's a receipt for the Belgian baby. 

SiBLY. 

I h 'understood receipts was h'only to be h 'identified 
with cocktails, sir. 

Harcourt. 

Quite right, Sibly, this one simply identifies a female 
of the species, that's all. [House telephone buzzes, and 
Sibly goes to answer it.] 

Harcourt. 

[Looking again at slip.] This particular one was 
adopted for me, signed for by my guardian in my name 
eighteen years ago, and a check sent yearly for its 
support. 

Sibly. 

[Witli ear to receiver.] Telegram? Bring it h'up! 
[Opening door hack Riglit.] Very careless of the guard- 
ian, I consider, sir — suppose it was to grow up ? 



18 THREE TREMENDOUS TRIFLES 

Harcourt. 

Babies often do, I believe. [Puts down photograph 
and pocketing slip, during following, gets into coat and 
straightens tie and linen.] 

SiBLY. 

And perhaps — make trouble 



Harcourt. 
"Women always do. 

SiBLY. 

Moral, sir: avoid the appearance of evil. 

Harcourt. 

Avoid the appearance of babies! [Over to desk, takes 
up paper cutter, to open mail; does so while Sibly goes 
out 'back Right for telegram. Sibly, returning, picks 
up salvar from pedestal and with telegram, comes down 
to Harcourt.] 

Harcourt. 

[Slits it open with paper cutter and reads:] '^Can^t 
come away and marry you to-day, your past won^t let 
me.'* [Drops paper cutter.] 



THE BELGIAN BABY 19 

SiBLY. 

Your song, sir — I said it was [Sliakes Ms liead, 

picks up paper cutter.] 

Harcourt. 

[Sitting down, pressing his liand to Ms head.] Sibly! 
She's chucked me. 

Sibly. 

I didn't think it of Miss Constance. 

Harcourt. 

Miss Constance? [With a short, hard laugh.] In- 
constance, if you ask me. [Sibly nods mournfidly.] 

Harcourt. 

Sibly! I can't bear the humiliation of it! I have 
never been thrown over before! I am resolved to kill 
myself. [Getting to Ms feet.] Better still, you shall kill 
me! 

Sibly. 

You're not serious, Mr. Harcourt? [Harcourt nods 
grimly.] You'll 'ave to excuse me, sir. [Turns away.] 



20 THREE TREMENDOUS TRIFLES 

Harcourt. 

[Stopping Jiim.] Sibly, this will be the last favor I 
shall ask of you. 

Sibly. 

Ho ! I can quite see that, sir, if it comes h'off. 

Harcourt. 

But you can't afford to refuse me. [Grabbing up fhe 
paper cutter. \ I shall make it so well worth your time. 
[llirusting it into Sibly 's liand.\ 

Sibly. 

H 'I should be doing time, right enough. [ Witli some 
excitement.'] But me be'ave such a blighter? 

Harcourt. 

[Sliarply.l No, I'm the one who's blighted — I've 
often heard men talk about dying of disappointed love. 
I want to be the first authentic martyr to the cause. 

Sibly. 

[Stepping back and staring at Harcourt.] I think 
you must 'ave lost your 'ead completely, sir, I do in- 
deed. 



THE BELGIAN BABY 21 

Harcourt. 

[Seizing Sibly's hand and guiding it toward Ms own 
tlu'oat.] Not yet, that's what I want to do. [Sibly pidls 
away.] I'll give you twenty-five thousand to oblige me, 
come, that's a good fellow. [The house telephone 
buzzes loudly.] 

Sibly. 

[In relief J dropping knife on table, goes up to an- 
swer it.] 

Harcourt. 

[Jumping over to windows and looking down.] A 
''Tank!" 

Sibly. 

[Listening at telephone and getting no answer, presses 
button to open lower door.] Maybe Miss Constance 
h 'after all, sir. 

Harcourt. 

[Turning away sadly.] No, she always has two men 
on the box — it's only a taxi. [Sibly goes out into pas- 
sage. Harcourt seizes opportunity to grab up the paper 
cutter and starts to fall on it, but he misses his guess and 
only succeeds in upsetting a pile of letters on the desk. 
Gets up again and shakes his head, looking dejectedly at 
paper cutter, at the same time rubbing his side.] 



22 THREE TREMENDOUS TRIFLES 

Voice. 

[Without; in Jiigli pitched, foreign key,] Why for I 
pay? No! papa, he will pay, yes. 

Enter Vivette Clamore, hack Right. 

[ViVETTE has peroxide yellow hair under a hat with 
white Bruge lace veil and carries a long brightly 
headed hag.] 

Vivette. 
[Throwing out her arms to him.] Papa! Papa! 

Harcourt. 

[Rushing to her, paper cutter in hand.] I don't know 
who you are but — but you can do it, you must ! 

Vivette. 

[Seizing hold of small chair and raising it high above 
her head. ] Allez ! Allez ! For two sous, I kill you. 

Harcourt. 
I'll give you fifty thousand! 



THE BELGIAN BABY 23 

ViVETTE. 

[Dropping cliair and tlirowing lier arms about Ids 
neck.] Ah! You are so noble, open fist — merci, merci, 
little papa. [Sibly wlio lias entered and taken in situ- 
ation now slartis tlie door. Yivette jumps at the noise 
and turns to Sibly.] 

Vivette. 

Ah! Santa Claus. 

Sibly. 

[Pompously.] You Ve got into the wrong flat, Miss. 

Vivette. 

[Tapping headed hag.] Why for? I alone 'ave the 
address; I say it to the telephone. 

Sibly. 

[Same.] I fear you've made a mistake, miss. [Witli 
a sliarp look at Harcourt.] That is, h'as far as I know. 

Harcourt. 
Yes, because as far as I know, I'm still a bachelor, 



24^ THREE TREMENDOUS TRIFLES 

ViVETTE. 

[With a look at Mm, then to Sibly and with out- 
stretched arms,] Then per'aps it is you are my papa? 

Sibly. 

[With great dignity.] For shame, miss, I am a mar- 
ried person ; without h 'issue. 

ViVETTE. 

[Somewhat crestfallen, then suddenly diving into the 
hag, brings out somewhat rumpled paper, opens it, 
smiles.] Ah! Here I 'ave. [Showing it to Harcovrt.] 
You cannot believe something so true? [Wa^fs.] My 
mamma she 'ave it from an aero-naughty journal. 

Harcourt. 

[Taking paper, moodily.] I must have been extremely 
absent-minded. [To Sibly.] Did you ever hear me men- 
tion the fact of my being a father? 

Sibly. 

[Plainly emha^Tassed.] Not the sort of thing one'd 
h'exactly mention in your position, sir. 



THE BELGIAN BABY 25 

Harcourt. 
That sort of thing happens in the best of positions. 

SiBLY. 

[Looking fixedly at Vivette ivlio has lifted Iter veil 
and, removing lier liat, stands looking first at one tlien 
tlie otlier.\ Ha! I think I can h 'explain the difficulty, 
sir. [To Vivette.] What is your name, if you please, 

miss? 

Vivette. 
Vivette, Vivette — Clamore 



Harcourt. 

Vivette — Clamore — ^where the deuce have I heard- 
[Puts liand in pocket, pidls out slip of paper.] 

SiBLY. 



[Crossing to desk.] The photograph, sir. [Takes it 
up.] 

Harcourt. 

[Looking over Sibly's slioidder.] Great heavens, the 
Belgian baby ! 



26 THREE TREMENDOUS TRIFLES 

ViVETTE. 

Oui, oui, she is my mamma. 

Harcourt. 

[Who lias consulted slip of paper.] Vivette Clamore 
— she's authentic enough; a bona fide baby. 

Vivette. 

Then why for you do not make me a welcome — ^you 
never no kiss me. You not ask me for sit down — and 
I come so long way from Liege to see my papa. [Looks 
about to cry.] But I arrive to stay! [Sits. Harcourt 
and SiBLY look at each other.] 

Harcourt. 

[To him.] Think of something — will you? 

SiBLY. 

You might take her to an asylum — or the seashore — 
or — [As Harcourt shakes his head.] Per'aps I could 
take her h'out for a walk in the park, and lose 'er. 

Harcourt. 

What ! In those clothes ? Never ! 



THE BELGIAN BABY 27 

ViVETTE. 

[Jumping up.] Ah ! it is my clothes who do not please 
my papa. [Starting to unfasten lier bodice.] Eli hien, 
very quickly then I can take off 

Harcourt. 
Good Lord ! 

ViVETTE. 

Ah! I do not care — it is mos' easy. [Sibly liurries 

to door up LEFT.] 

Sibly. 
You'll 'ave to excuse me, sir. [Exits.] 

ViVETTE. 

What you want for I do then? 

Harcourt. 

I didn't mean you to undress. [Turns to Sibly.] 

These foreign babies certainly lose no time in 

[Finds Mm gone.] 



28 THREE TREMENDOUS TRIFLES 

ViVETTE. 

[Sitting down again, and beginning to cry.] Bet I 
am willing so — to be very friend to you — ^to love you 

Harcourt. 

[Projnptly.] Like a daughter — — 

ViVETTE. 

Yas, and I try very much how I please you — bet you 
are so difficle 

Harcourt. 

Not always, believe me — ^but under the present cir- 
cumstances. [ViVETTE cries softly.] Just like a woman, 
always willing to please, and doing just the opposite of 
v)liat you please. Oh, now don't cry ! Not all over those 
clothes. 

ViyETTE. 

You cannot believe something so h 'awful for me — I 
come sick of mon Jiomme. You will not become my papa, 
what then I do? 

Harcourt. 
How can I — when I was only just about to be married? 



THE BELGIAN BABY 29 

ViVETTE. 

[Blitliely.] What different — a little thing like 

that 

Harcourt. 

Great difference. I happen to be in love. 

ViVETTE. 

Ah, mo7i Dieu! Then why make the trouble to marry? 
Marriage, it is a necessity. 

Harcourt. 

Not in America — here it's a mania! [Vivette sliakes 
lier liead, not understanding.] 

Harcourt. 

So you must go away! [House hiizzer. Harcourt 
goes to window.] 

[Enter Sibly iqj left.] 

Harcourt. 

[Excitedly.] It's the Tank. 

Sibly. 
Taxi, sir? 



30 THREE TREMENDOUS TRIFLES 

Harcourt. 
No, you idiot — there are two men on the box. 

SiBLY. 

Miss Constance. 

Harcourt. 

[RougJily, at YiYETTE^s side.] Here you [Shakes 

Tier.] Vivette [As slie pulls aivay.] Darling! My 

fiancee mustn't see you here, come this way, hurry! 
[PusJies Tier tefore Mm down right.] 

Vivette. 
Aah! I come crazy with you. [Buzzer Jieard again.] 

Harcourt. 

[Seeing tJiat Sibly is trying to straight en room with 
the photograph in his hand, dressing gown in other.]' 
Never mind those things, answer the door. [Snatches 
dressing gown, then pushes Vivette through door, down 
right, throwing dressing gown after her.] 



THE BELGIAN BABY 31 

Harcourt. 

Now stay there, baby! daugliter — till I tell you to 
come out. [Follows Iter out — to make sure. Sibly opens 
door up RIGHT, realizes lie lias pliotograpli still in liand, 
liides it heliind liim; and hows as — ] 

[Enter Constance Blakney, up right.] 
[Constance is a contrast in every way to Vivette; 
%dtra as opposed to futurist.] 

Sibly. 

[Trying to put pliotograpli on pedestal.] Morning, 
Miss Constance. You 'ad an appointment with Mr. 
Harcourt, Miss? [The pliotograpli slips and falls to 
floor.] 

Constance. 

Naturally, Sibly, I 'm not married to him yet. [ Sibly 
picks up pliotograpli, lays it on pedestal, face down. 
Constance ^* registers'' having noticed tliis.] 

Sibly. 

'E stepped into the dining-room for a moment, Miss. 
[Seizes upon Vivette 's liat unseen hy Constance.] 
[Enter Harcourt from dining-room down right.] 



32 THREE TREMENDOUS TRIFLES 

Constance. 

Ah! Tony. [Sibly crosses and goes out up left 
with Jiat. Constance also notices this.] 

Harcourt. 

[Stiffly.] Good morning, Constance, I received your 
wire — — [Taking off his engagement ringy holding it 
out to her as Constance laughs ^ coming to him; more 
stiffly.] To what do I owe this unlooked for pleasure? 

Constance. 

[Kissing him formally on each cheek.] I thought my 

little jest had gone far enough [As Harcourt 

shows perplexity.] I simply came to have a laugh over 
it [Replaces ring on his finger.] 

Harcourt, 

You do intend to marry me after all? 

Constance. 

Certainly- [Looking about.] I think you need 

a lot of looking after, from the contents of this room — 
[Indicating pile of letters on floor by kicking them with 
her foot.] Your morning mail? 



THE BELGIAN BABY 33 

Harcourt. 

Oil! No, my farewells, spent a very busy evening, 
there are in all twenty-one 

Constance. 

[Frigidly.] I consider that very indelicate. 
[Harcourt at a loss absently pulls one of the garters 
from Ms pocket.] 

Constance. 

That's exactly my age. 

Harcourt. 

Oh! but you're thirty-five in experience, Constance. 
[Forgetting, toying ivitli garter, self satisfied.] Besides, 
there were five originals. 

Constance. 

[Indicating garter.] And what is that — a first edi- 
tion? 

Harcourt. 

This? No, this was front row — that is, I mean it's a 
present [taking otJier garter from Ms pocket] for you, 
first night you know — I mean [Lauglis confusedly.] 



34. THREE TREMENDOUS TRIFLES 

Constance. 

Tony! [Turns away, wliich Jiappens to te facing 

pedestal.] Oh! [Taking pliotograpJi ojf it.] And who 

may this be? [Holding up pJiotograpJi of Belgian 
hahy.] 

Harcourt. 

[Witli a start.] That, oh! why, that's the Belgian 
baby Oh! but she's — this one's different. 

Constance. 
All babies look alike to me 

Harcourt. 

They all act alike to me. [Quickly.] Constance, I 
know I've been very lax about my affairs but 

Constance. 

Tony! [Setting down pliotograpJi.] If you are so' 
ashamed of your past, you should have taken better care 
to keep it to yourself. 

Harcourt. 

A man may repent of his sins, Constance — but he can 
still remember them with pleasure. 



THE BELGIAN BABY 35 

Constance. 

[As Harcourt looks wildly in direction of dining- 
room.] But all that will have to be changed. [Har- 
court 7iods energetically.] I cannot have a lot of loose 
photographs about the house. [Harcourt nods the same.] 
They collect 



Harcourt. 



Dust? 



Constance. 

No, otliers. [Proceeds to take off Iter liat.] 

Harcourt. 

Now, for heaven's sake, don't you undress, too! 
[Constance arrested ivitli Iter liat in air, looks at Mm in 
amazement.] Undress here! 

Constance. 

I've come for luncheon. [Laying liat on desk.] What 
is the matter with you, Tony? 

Harcourt. 

Sorry, but you can't have lunch — ^here. 



36 THREE TREMENDOUS TRIFLES 

Constance. 
And why not? 

Harcourt. 

You — er — it might be compromising — for me — for 
you. 

Constance. 

One can't compromise a woman nowadays, one can 
only embarrass her. 

Harcourt. 
Not till after we're married — you simply can't- — — 

Constance. 

But / arranged with the department of justice to post- 
pone the marriage and re-date the license — for today 
>veek. 

Harcourt. 
Well, I 'm not hungry — we needn 't eat for a week — ^"™ 

Constance. 
Don't be absurd, I shall certainly stay! [Sits down.] 



THE BELGIAN BABY 37 

Harcourt. 

[RusJiing to door up left.] Sibly — Sibly! 
[Enter Sibly up left.] 

\ Harcourt. 

Miss Constance is stopping for lunch. 

Sibly. 

[Wide-eyed.] Lunch, sir ? But — the receipt, sir 

— the receipt for the cocktails? 

Harcourt. 

[Witlioiit tJiinking.] Don't have any. 

Sibly. 

[Persisting.] But they're 'ere, sir. 

Constance. 

Then we'll have our cocktail now, Sibly. 

Sibly. 

You've left them in the dining-Yoom., sir. [Harcourt 
laugJis foolishly.] 



38 THREE TREMENDOUS TRIFLES 

Constance. 

In the dining-room? [Starts for dining-room.] 

Harcourt. 

No— not in there ! 

[Enter Vivette from door down right. She is 
now clad in Harcourt 's hoh-tailed dressing gown, 
and devouring some kind of fruit.] 

Vivette. 

[Witli a stare at Constance; tlien politely.] Bon jour 
— Mademoiselle. 

Constance. 

I suspected something of the sort! [To Harcourt, 
witli dignity.] Will you be good enough to explain this 
young person's presence in your rooms at this hour of 
the morning 

Harcourt. 

[Collapsing into a cliair.] Ask Sibly. 

Vivette. 

Yes, ask Santa Claus. 



THE BELGIAN BABY 39 

Constance. 
I shall ask Sibly — kindly to leave us alone — with 



[Indicates Vivette. Sibly hows, takes Constance's Jiat, 
and EXITS up left.] 

Harcourt. 
Constance, I do love you! 

Vivette. 
Yes, 'e tell me private 

Constance. 

I consider, Tony, you could have at least made an 
exception to your usual habits then on the morning of 
your wedding. 

Harcourt. 

But you said yourself the wedding was to be post- 
poned. 

Constance. 

It is now — [Dramatically] — indefinitely postponed. 

Vivette. 

Non, non, Mademoiselle, no postpone — my papa. 
[Harcourt laugJis liysterically.] 



40 THREE TREMENDOUS TRIFLES 

Constance. 

Since it pleases you also. to make light of it. [Looks 
for Tier Jiat.] 

Harcourt. 

Oh! Constance, I did try to do otherwise—I spent 
the entire morning — and I was succeeding splen- 
didly 

Constance. 

[WitJi a wave of tJie hand toward Vivette.] When 
she comes out in those clothes? Where is my hat? 

Vivette. 

Oh! I tell you plain about the clothes; papa — [Point- 
ing to Harcourt wJio throws up Ms hands] — he say he 
do not like my clothes on me — what you want for I do? 
I take 'em off. 

Constance. 
I've heard enough 

Harcourt. 
I can explain. [Hunts for certificate.] 



THE BELGIAN BABX 41 

Constance. 
I was not aware you had been married before. 

Harcourt. 
Neither was I — I haven't! 



ViVETTE. 

No, no, 'e is not marry, bet 'e was very friend to me — 
Beside everybody keep babies; I am 'is Belgian baby. 

Harcourt. 

War baby — don't you understand — there is a great 
distinction in the nationality of babies ! 

Constance. 

All I say is I am too relieved to have found out in 
time — that you were a fatJier. Kindly ask your man to 
bring in my hat. 

ViVETTE. 

Mais, non. Mademoiselle that is not 'is fault! being 
a fathair! 



42 THREE TREMENDOUS TRIFLES 

Harcourt. 

[With a Jiopeless shrug, still hunting.] I had nothing 
whatever to do with it. 

Constance. 

[In an incredulous key.] You had nothing to do with 
being a father? 

Harcourt. 

Certainly not! I am — this baby's adopted father. 
[Harcourt at last finds certificate and brings it to Con- 
stance.] 

Constance. 

[Pushing certificate aside; going up stage.] I care 
nothing for its nativity, what I do object to is a ready- 
made family 

Harcourt. 

Time ought to take care of that. [Stops short.] 

Constance. 

If I refused to keep loose photographs about the house 
— do you suppose I would keep loose babies? Will you 
tell Sibly— ! 



THE BELGIAN BABY 43 

Harcourt. 

Sibly, by Jove ! I can do nothing without Sibly. But 
wait — please — for God's sake — wait! [Goes to door 
up LEFT calling:] Sibly — Sibly! 

ViVETTE. 

What I do — I come crazy. 

[Enter Sibly, with Jiat, same.] 

Harcourt. 

At last ! Sibly, you know what it is when two women 
don't even agree in the beginning? What chance does 
a man stand in the end? Sibly, draw on your imagina- 
tion; youVe always drawn everything from my bath to 
my bank account 

Sibly. 

Certainly, sir, why not h'ask the last Ji' applicant to 
marry you, sir? [Vivette looks mystified — tJierefore 
interested.] 

Constance. 

[Imperious.] But I happen to be engaged to Mr. 
Harcourt. 



44 THREE TREMENDOUS TRIFLES 

SiBLY. 

[Respectfully.] 'E ^as the privilege to break- 



Harcourt. 

[In awe; fearful.] My engagement? [Looks slieep- 
islily away, spies tJie pile of letters; tJiis gives Mm an 
idea. He makes a dive and picks one up, handing it to 
Constance.] 

Constance. 

[Not taking it.] If this is a practical joke, I con- 
sider it most indelicate. 

Harcourt. 

It isn't; it is one of the five originals — a formal fare- 
well, Constance. [Looks downcast.] 

Constance. 

[Drawing Jierself up.] Sibly. My hat. 

[SiBLY in Ms Jiaste, Jiaving come in with Vivette's, 
hands it to Constance; who in her flurry at- 
tempts to put it on. She looks grotesque; 
ViVETTE laughs shrilly.] 



THE BELGIAN BABY 45 

ViVETTE. 

0-oh ! Mon cliapeau. You cannot believe something so 
funney, eh? 

Harcourt. 

[As Constance fhroivs it violently aside, seizing 
ViVETTE hy tlie wrist; ivJio cries out, and makes a dasli 
for her.] Never mind, I shall have to buy you another 
anyway ; if you will be good enough to ask me to marry 
you, Vivette? 

ViVETTE. 

[Staring for a moment, tJien like a tempest.] Bon, 
bon, I will do ! For the new chapeau, quickly I will do. 
[Throws her arms about Harcourt.] Now, I 'ave two 
'usband. C'est bon, hon Qa! 

Constance. 

[Who has been forced to wait while Sibly has gone 
for her own hat.] Ah, I knew there 'd be something 
irregular. 

Harcourt. 

At least, I'm not the bigamist. 



46 THREE TREMENDOUS TRIFLES 

ViVETTE. 

Non, if I wish to marry with my papa^ 

Constance. 

Tony, I could not bear to think I was the cause of 
bringing you to such a thing. I will be magnanimous. 
I will agree to take you and your 

SiBLY. 

[WJio now Jias returned witJi Jiat.] And I will be 
firm, miss: Mr. Harcourt must marry 'is — [With Ms 
Jiand on Vivette's shoulder] — daughter, miss. We 
simply can't 'ave h'any more babies. 

Constance. 

You are too insolent — even for a servant, Sibly. 
[Moves up stage right; then turning.] Tony, I am 
relieved to know that you have been bullied into your 
terrible and depleting past. 

Harcourt. 

[Laughing foolishly.] No, I haven't; it is self de- 
fense on Sibly 's part. He's afraid otherwise he'll have 

to marry Vivette himself [Following her up.] I 

love you, Constance ! 



THE BELGIAN BABY 47 

ViVETTE. 

[Now pawing Sibly.] Bet you say you are already 
marry — 

Sibly. 

And a widower, 'eaven be praise \ 

Constance. 

Ah, that's quite satisfactory then. [Tears up tlie 
farewell.] And I will reconsider your proposal — I ac- 
cept you, Tony. 

ViVETTE. 

Bon! So it is you who are — [Throwing Tier arms now 
about Sibly] — ^mon homme! 

Sibly. 

[Dignified and doleful.] My better — my Belgian ^alL 

Harcourt. 

Right! [Taking Constance's Jiand.] Well [Raising 
it to Ms lips and kissing it.] Constance, my darling? 
Promise me [Pointing right.] You'll never for- 
get that that was the door to the dining-room. 



48 THREE TREMENDOUS TRIFLES 

Constance. 

[Giving Mm an affectionate pat, Iter Jiead close to "his 
shoulder, discovering sometJiing, scrutinizing it closely, 
then picking it off gingerly; holds if up before his eyes,] 
No, Tony, dear, — ^but what is this -? 

Harcourt. 

[With a smile.] That? Oh! That is a very rare 
specimen, now extinct — a Belgian hair. 

CURTAIN 



THE QUICK AND THE DEAD 



THE QUICK AND THE DEAD 
[a satire] 

CHARACTERS. 

Olga Vedrenne, 

Henry Vedrenne, Tier husband. 

Tom Bradford, the usual friend. 

Dr. Wagstaff 1 ,,^ -, , , x 
The Bishop | (May double.) 

JuDSON, tJie atmospheric footman. 



Scene: A private hall in Vedrenne ^s house. 

Time: The morning of the third day. 

Setting: The walls may he suggested hy hlack velvet 
"hangings with gold medallions. In the centre of the 
room is an elaborate burial casJcet witli four tall 
brass candlesticks, one at each corner of it. At the 
Rise these alone are lighted — later hy heavy gilt 

51 



52 THREE TREMENDOUS TRIFLES 

and old-red Venetian wall standards. A Jieavy 
carved wood and needle-work settle right with hack 
to ** front''; and a Florentine table with high- 
hacked chair left. 

Note: Scene may be played in Vedrenne's bed-cham- 
ber with Empire bed. Exits up Right and Left. 

At Rise : Judson, left, dressed in the livery of a second- 
footman, powdered wig, etc., is discovered dusting 
unconcernedly. He stands for a moment unde- 
cided, looking at the casket, then crosses stealthily 
to it, peers in, starts hack, peers in a second time. 

Judson. 

[As he turns away with a shake of the head.] Poor 
Mr. Vedrenne! He sleeps at last. 

[Enter Dr. "Wagstaff, right. He is a pompous, 
side-whiskered personage of fifty.] 

Judson. 
[Frightened.] Who's there? 

Doctor. 
[Sharply, coming down.] Judson! 



THE QUICK AND THE DEAD 53 

JUDSON. 

Oh, it's you, doctor. I — I was just looking at poor 
Mr. Vedrenne, sir. 

Doctor. 

[Guiding Judson away from the casket.] You 
shouldn't look at the dead. Talk about the dead if you 
wish; that's always done, but don't look at them. It 
might make them nervous. [Looking in Mmself; de- 
cisively.] He does sleep at last. 

Judson. 
Yes, sir, I wonder if he dreams, sir. 

Doctor. 
How the devil should I know? 

Judson. 
He was a poet, sir. 

Doctor. 
Quite so. Perhaps he still dreams. Who knows? 



54} THREE TREMENDOUS TRIFLES 

JUDSON. 

[ApproacJiing tJie casket.] If he could only speak, 
sir. Perhaps , . . between ourselves, doctor, I don't 
like the look o' none of it. 

Doctor. 

No more do I. . . . 

JUDSON, 

Thank heavings Mr. Vedrenne's funeral is— — 
[Moves to leave,] 

Doctor, 

At nine. Nine is a smart hour this season. Er- — 
[Blocking Jiis way.] "Where's your mistress? 

JUDSON. 

She'll be down presenHy, sir. 

Doctor. 
Don't tell her I'm here. 

JUDSON. 

Very good, sir. [Crosses to door right.] 



THE QUICK AND THE DEAD 55 

Doctor. 
Oh, Judson! Er — has Mr. Bradford been here? 

JUDSON. 

[Witli domestic diplomacy.] Mr. Bradford, sir? 

Doctor. 
Yes; [Pointedly.] you know whom I mean. 

Judson. 

Really, sir, so many people has been here to condole 
with Mrs. Vedrenne — sorry, sir. [Exits right.] 

[Doctor Wagstaff looks after him, couglis, smiles, 
tJien goes quietly to the head of the casket, puts 
his hands in, as if to arrange the shroud. Sud- 
denly from the depths of the casket comes a shrill 
clear laugh.] 

Vedrenne 's Voice. 

Ouch! You're tickling me! [Vedrenne sits up in 
the casket. He is a tliin, soft-featured man of thirty, 
with flowing locks, and eyes of childish bigness. He is 
dressed entirely in black, wears a lily as a boutonniere.] 

Doctor. 
Harry, this is no place for such levity. 



56 THREE TREMENDOUS TRIFLES 

Vedrenne. 

The trouble with your profession, doctor, is that you're 
too professional. What, pray, could be more ludicrous 
than the thought of a man alive in his own coffin. 
Really! [He sneezes.] Dear, dear! I say, doctor, have 
you a hanky handy? 

Doctor. 

[Presenting a JiandkercMef .] There you are — one of 
yours; Mrs. Vedrenne 's already given me some. 

Vedrenne. 

Lucky I held that sneeze till Judson got out. You 
know, I have an idea this thing isn't too well venti- 
lated. [Returning tJie JiandketxJiief .] Thanks awfully. 
Now Where's my breakfast? 

Doctor. 

[Taking a sandwicJi out of Ms pocket and giving it to 
Vedrenne.] Hungry, eh? 

Vedrenne. 

Rather. [Attacks tlie sandwicJi ravenously.] You 
know I've had some priceless thoughts in here. If I 
could only have jotted them down! This business of 
not being able to express oneself! [SJiakes Ms head, 
hites furtJier into sandwich.] 



THE Q-UICK AND THE DEAD 57 

Doctor. 

Never mind that now. What have you discovered; 
anything? . . . What have you heard? 

Vedrenne. 
[ Mournfully. ] Nothing — really. 

Doctor. 

This state of affairs can't go on much longer. [Ved- 
renne nods.] Your funeral is at nine. 

Vedrenne. 

Oh, Lord, is it? I'd forgotten. 

Doctor. 

And you'll either have to be buried alive or 

Vedrenne. 

— or get something on my wife by 8:55. 

Doctor. 

Exactly. 



58 THREE TREMENDOUS TRIFLES 

Vedrenne. 

I do hate running on- schedule. You know how I 
used to detest system before I was — deceased. [Taking 
out cigarette case.] Give me a light, will you? 

Doctor. 
Harry! You know I forbade 



Vedrenne. 

Can't help it. [Doctor strikes ruatcJi.] Have a 
cigar yourself — do — to take away the smell of stale 
cigarette smoke. 

Doctor. 

[After lie lias complied.] Now will you be sensible? 
We have a lot to talk over, and your wife may be down 
any moment now. 

Vedrenne. 

She never gets up till after nine. 

Doctor 
But under the circumstances 



THE QUICK AND THE DEAD 59 

Vedrenne. 

Not at all. Why should she do any differently? 
Olga's a woman of habit. She has come in here for the 
last two days precisely at ten, just at the time she used 
to give her orders to the cook, and knelt down at the 
foot of the casket 



And prayed? 



Doctor. 



Vedrenne. 



-and swore- 



What! 



Doctor. 



Vedrenne. 

— to turn over a new leaf. [Nudges fke doctor.] For 
thirty-five minutes by my watch, and then — [With a 
wave of the hand.] — off again, to return before tea, and 
repeat the performance ; but alone — always alone. 

Doctor. 
You are certain he was never with her? 



60 THREE TREMENDOUS TRIFLES 

Vedrenne. 

[Nodding.] Tom Bradford is no coward; he likes 
prize fights and arguments, but he's too red-blooded and 
passionately fond of life to care to look at death. He's 
thoroughly modern, you see. She hasn't laid eyes on 
him for two days. 

Doctor. 

How do you know? 

Vedrenne. 

Says so in her prayers, of course. 

Doctor. 

What? 

Vedrenne. 

[Nodding.] Prays that she may never see him again. 
''He's a naughty, strong, wicked man." So he's bound 
to turn up here soon. Something must happen or 

Doctor. 
The world will lose a very entertaining poet. 



THE QUICK AND THE DEAD 61 

Vedrenne. 

Thanks very much. As it has been so beautifully ex- 
pressed, 

**0h, to be wafted away from this pale accedama of 
sorrow, 
Where the dust of an earthly today is the earth of a 
dusty tomorrow!'* 

But you know anything is better than this prolonged 
torture of unconfirmed suspicion. It isn't that I should 
mind so much being buried alive; tliat would be an 
experience — but how could I ever express myself about 
it? 

Doctor. 

And if you should find your suspicions confirmed, liow 
could we get around the statement that you poisoned 
yourself ? 

Vedrenne. 

Doesn't poison wear off — sometimes? 

Doctor. 

If the poison were to wear off, it would be an insult 
to the apothecary; and I couldn't allow that. 



62 THREE TREMENDOUS TRIFLES 

Vedrenne. 

Why not? 

Doctor. 

It's my duty to protect his interest. We — we are all 
in the union, so to speak. 

Vedrenne. 

All? In the union? 

Doctor. 

Yes. Doctors, apothecaries, pretty trained nurses, 
proprietors of rest cure resorts, undertakers, the' 
clergy 



Vedrenne. 

Enough. The undertaker will help me out of this. 

Doctor. 

He's already helped you in; and you forget he was 
bribed, and no honest man ever goes back on his briber. 
It would hurt him so, professionally. [Vedrenne 
groans.] Really, Harry, you would be obliging the 
union, besides simplifying matters hugely, if you'd 
only consent to remain dead until after the funeral. 



THE QUICK AND THE DEAD 03 

Vedrenne. 

I'll think it over, but it isn't a pleasant prospect. 

Doctor. 

After all, it was a shabby trick to play on Mrs. 
Vedrenne. 

Vedrenne. 

Not shabby — original. Besides, it hasn't come off 
yet — worse luck! 

Doctor. 

But you can't go on lying like this — think of your 
reputation. 

Vedrenne. 
I'm thinking rather of my skin. [Steps are heard off.] 

Doctor. 
[PusJiing Vedrenne down into tlie casket.] Shhh! 

Vedrenne. 

[Huskily.] Mind, I don't promise. You'd better 
prepare her for a surprise. 



64 THREE TREMENDOUS TRIFLES 

[Enter Olga Vedrenne, left. SJie is a divinely 
and practically beautiful woman in a slinking 
black, tiglit-sleev-ed, MgJi-necked nigJit-gown; car- 
ries a long jeweled staff in one Jiand, in tJie otJier 
a pocket-JtandkercJiief, with wJiicJi sJie is contin- 
ually touching her brow and dabbing at her eyes. 
Wailing plaintively, she crosses to casket, not at 
first seeing the Doctor.] 

Olga. 

[Sniffing the smoke.] What's this? Smoke? In 
my Henry's sacred chamber? 

Doctor. 

Good morning, Mrs. Vedrenne. 

Olga.\ 

[Starting.] Oh, how you startled me, doctor. How 
dare you startle one so early in the morning? 

Doctor. 
I beg your pardon. 

Olga. 

And smoking too — in my dear, dead Henry's pres- 
ence ! 



THE QUICK AND THE DEAD 65 

Doctor. 
Fumigating. 

Olga. 

But why are you here, doctor? 

Doctor. 

[After a pause.] I came with the lingering hope 
that perhaps I had been mistaken. . . . 

Olga. 

[Muddled.] Isn't it a little late for that? 

Doctor. 

Poisons don't always prove — fatal. 

Olga. 

[Peevishly.] I thought I was a widow. You gave 
me to understand I was a widow; I've ordered all my 
mourning. I won't hear of such a thing! 

Doctor. 

My dear Mrs. Vedrenne, I'm only a doctor; and we 
doctors are likely to change our diagnosis at any time. 
It's a privilege of the profession. 



66 THREE TREMENDOUS TRIFLES 

Olga. 
A loopliole for lunatics. 

Doctor. 
Just supposing 

Olga. 

Suppose nothing. I'll call in another— lunatic. I re- 
fuse to have my plans upset. 

Doctor. 

[Alarmed.] For all our sakes don't do that.—I — 
I '11 see that your wishes are respected. 

Olga. 

Then leave me — ^leave me alone — ^with my dead. 
[Dr. Wagstaff hows, crosses to door right.] 

Doctor. 

Good morning. [Exit right.] 

[Olga begins to weep again, kneels at tJie casket, 
staff in Jiand, prays.] 



THE QUICK AND THE DEAD 67 

Olga. 

[Beginning more in exclamation than in supplication.] 
God, I'm so tired! Your world bores me always to 
tears — [Cries.] especially the men in it. Not one of 
them is really desirable — altogether desirable. One or 
two of them have one or two good points, for which I 
am reasonably grateful, God. Dear, dead Henry had 
a good point ; his eyes were soulful. If he could only 
have combined his soulful eyes with Tom 's dreadful fists ! 
Lord, I could have been happy with both of them, 
but never with either of them. Why don't you make 
another world, God? This little world is so little. 
What chance have we w^omen to grow — upward — into 
our own? [Risi^ig wearily, wiping Jier eyes.] God! 

[Enter Tom Bradford, Left. He is dark and 
almost piggisMy stocky, of tJie prosperous and 
pampered hroker type; a brute in hroadclotli. 
His trousers are striped, and Tiis hoots liave 
fancy uppers.] 

Bradford. 

[Advancing, as lie sees Olga.] Ahem! [Olga 
starts. In a rasping, hlata7it voice.] Well, dearest! 
They told me you were not with the cook, so I thought 
I'd find you here. 

Olga. 

[Dramatically.] How could you intrude on my de- 
votion, Tom ? Leave me — with my husband. 



68 THREE TREMENDOUS TRIFLES 

Bradford. 

[Coming closer.] Can't be done. You've refused to 
see me for nearly three days; now that I've found you 
I 'm not going to give you up again. 

Olga. 

Beast! [Bradford cliuckles delightedly. Biting Iter 
lip.] My pet name for you, I'd forgotten. Oh, Tom, 
go away. There 's a good boy. Have you no reverence ? 

Bradford. 

Only for you. Besides, my girl, you don't mean all 
this; you don't care for him. Oh, I'm on! This busi- 
ness is pose. You think it's attractive; and it iSy very 
becoming — but it 's lost on Harry, so why keep it up ? 

Olga. 

[Sotdfully.] We care most for what we know we 
can't have — — 

Bradford. 

[Continuing.] Any longer. You think you love your 
husband now that he is dead. Just as you loved me 
when he was alive. Just like a woman. 



THE QUICK AND THE DEAD 69 

Olga. 

You made a wreck of my life. 

Bradford. 

If I did, it was my own building up. 

Olga. 

Ugh! If I only had my Henry back I'd live my life 
quite differently. 

Bradford. 

You say that because you think it sounds well — and 
because you know you can't have him back. People 
always talk like that when they're sure there's nobody 
to call their bluff. 

Olga. 

' If you'd only leave me alone now you'd see how true 
I 'd be to the memory of my dear, departed one. 

Bradford. 
Bull, darling. 

Olga. 

[ Violently. ] I wish you were in my husband 's place ! 



70 THREE TREMENDOUS TRIFLES 

Bradford. 
[Chuckling.] Well, I'm not far from it. 

Olga. 

When you're away, Tom, I 'm strong enough ; when you 
come near me my good sense begins to weaken and my 
senses to waken. [Bradford moves closer to Jier.] Oh, 
my Henry! How I miss him! 

Bradford. 

Harry's probably spouting verses to the angels now, 
and having them set to harp-music. 

Olga. 

That's most indelicate. He had a wonderful imagi- 
nation ; so very sensitive ; with the intuition of a woman. 

Bradford. 
A man proves things only by setting spies. 

Olga. 
He was too honorable for that. 



THE QUICK AND THE DEAD 71 

Bradford. 
Too dense, dear girl. 

Olga. 
He died of neglect and hard 

Bradford. 

He died of poison. What's the difference how he 
died, so long as he gave you to me? [Comes closer 
still] 

Olga. 

You are the devil's agent. 

Bradford. 

Yes. 

Olgaj 

Home-breaker ! 

Bradford. 

His house-agent! Yes. [Tries to take Iter in Ms 
arms.] 



72 THREE TREMENDOUS TRIFLES 

Olga. 

{Fighting Mm off and crying oui.] Don't, don't! I 
love my Henry! I love my Henry still! 

Bradford. 

And he is so still. 

Olga. 

[As Bradford succeeds in embracing Tier.] Don't! 
I love — I love — yon too — I can't fight it. [SigJis pro- 
foundly as Bradford kisses Jier.] I love you, Tom. 

[From fhe casket comes a deep, Jiollow laugh. Brad- 
ford is frightened. Olga is curious.] 



Olga. 



Did you hear? 



Of course I did. 



Bradford. 



Olga. 



It's the third day. His spirit is returning— the day 
of resurrection. 



THE QUICK AND THE DEAD 73 

Bradford. 

That 's it ! [ With sudden tliougJit. ] Then your lent is 
nearly up. 

[The same laugh again. Olga runs to door up left. 
Bradford follows, trying to calm her. Exeunt 
hotli, left. Vedrenne sits up in casket, blows out 
candles one by one. Darkness. Bradford opens 
door up LEFT, peers in, enters. After a mo- 
ment is heard the sound of someone choking as if 
in being strangled; then the noise as of a body 
being dragged across the floor. Olga re-' 
ENTERS, nervous, whimpering, and switches on 
wall-standard lights. Vedrenne, discovered 
RIGHT, comes toward her ivith arms outstretched; 
Olga screams and swoons. He hastens to sup- 
port her. Bradford is nowhere to be seen. Pres- 
ently Olga opens her eyes and shudders.] 

Vedrenne. 
[Smiling.] I've come back, my love. 

Olga. 

Henry, this is too bad of you, you know how I hate 
shocks. 



74 THREE TREMENDOUS TRIFLES 

Vedrenne. 

[Beaming,] Never mind that now. You have proved 
to me that you love — me fairly well. That is the im- 
portant thing. And I still have my eyes. You can ex- 
plain your prayer later. But I understand all and I 
forgive all: 

Oh sunshine of life, 

Oh nice pleasant weather ; 

My cosmetic wife, 

Let us make-up together! 

Olga. 

I wish you had been as thoughtful of my feelings as 
you were of my philanderings. 

Vedrenne. 

I don't believe you realize — I have forgiven you. 
[Tries to kiss Jier.] 

Olga. 

[Turning away.] I'm not sure I shall forgive you 
for '^setting spies." 

Vedrenne. 

What! After all you admitted? And when I give 
you the chance you were asking for to live differently? 



THE QUICK AND THE DEAD 75 

Olga. 

And what's to become of all my lovely mourning? 

Vedrenne. 

Why not wear yonr Lneile shrouds for Tom — my love ? 
[Pointing to settle. To Iter.] But IVe given him 
what he deserved. I did come back spiritedly, what? 

Olga. 

[WitJi a sJiudder.] I think you show very poor 
spirit. You did it in the dark. 

Vedrenne. 

The nicest things are always done in the dark. 

Olga. 

[Turns away from Mm, pretends to weep.] Tom was 
at least a man. He used to kick me when I was roman- 
tic, beat me when I was nervous, choke me when I talked 
too much. Poor, dear Tom. How can I live without 

Vedrenne. 

Olga! [Bradford moves, stretches, sits up, and 
yawns — from tJie settee.] 



76 THREE TREMENDOUS TRIFLES 

Bradford. 

Harry, it's no nse, you'd better give it up, [Ved- 
RENNE staggers a little; Olga beams deligJit.] 

Vedrenne. 

Then you're not dead either? I call that most in- 
considerate. How the deuce am I ever to explain to the 
Bishop now? [Turns toward casket, throws Jiis Jiands 
out in despair.] 

Olga. 

I think it's very delightful of Tom to turn up again — 
so informally like this to please me. [Surveys tJiem 
critically.] 

Bradford. 

[To Vedrenne.] Do you hear that? 

Vedrenne. 

Yes. First she blames you for her unfaithfulness, 
then 

Bradford. 

Then she finds fault with you for forgiving her. 



THE QUICK AND THE DEAD 77 

Vedrenne. 
She isn't content with me alive 

Bradford. 
And she isn't satisfied with me dead! 

Vedrenne. 
What's the use of talking? 

Olga. 
Tom, I wish you had Henry's eyes. 

Bradford"". 
What! 

Olga. 

Henry, I wish you had Tom's fists. 

Vedrenne. 

Good heaven ! [Vedrenne and Bradford look at each 
ofher — shake their heads at Olga.] 



78 THREE TREMENDOUS TRIFLES 

Olga. 

Henry, you like London. You are dead — ^to the world. 
You go to London. For six months each year I shall 
be there — with you. Tom, you adore the Midnight 
Frolic. Six months each year with you at the Frolic. 
Oh, I'm serious. Why should a man forever suppose 
that he can be all things to a woman, any more than a 
woman can be to a man ? We always used to have to be 
content to hear about your sorrows and overhear your 
joys. Now it's Harry's turn to sit by the fire and cuddle 
his ideals to sleep while I take Tom and cuddle Jiim 
to — - 

Vedrenne. 
Olga! 

Olga. 

To death. No ! Not another word. I Ve thought the 
■whole thing out; prayed it out — to my entire satisfac- 
tion — and God's I am sure. You men have taught us to 
think all the things you do and do all the things you 
shouldn't — so you must take the consequences. I'm go- 
ing to have a soul mate as well as a mess mate, too. 
[Enter Judson, right.] 

JUDSON. 

The Bishop is here. Madam. [All are frozen for 
fhe moment. Olga is fhe first to tJiaw out.] 



THE QUICK AND THE DEAD 79 

Olga. 

Quickly ! The cover of the casket ! [It lias a roller top 
cover like an office desk.] You, Tom — close it over. [He 
obeys dumhly.] Now, Harry, you hide. — [Vedrenne 
slips heMnd Jiangings of wall.] 

JudsoNj 

[Announcing,] The Bishop. 

[Olga crosses to the casket, learis over it, laugJis 
Jiysterically.] 

[Enter the Bishop. He is a fat and foolish person 
in elaborate scarlet clericals.] 

Bishop. 

[Crossing to Olga, taking her laughing for weeping.] 
My dear Mrs. Vedrenne, nx)w try to control your grief. 
I am here. [Olga breaks out afresh.] 

Bishop. 

[Patting Olga^s hand.] My child, let us remember 

the sublime truth as one of our minor poets has so 

divinely expressed it [Placing hand on casket.] 

There are no dead here. 



80 THREE TREMENDOUS TRIFLES 

Olga. 

True, Bishop — there are no dead — if we are quiet — 
enough. [Again she breaks out into a Jiysterical laugJi.] 



CURTAIN. 



"FIGURATIVELY SPEAKING" 



^^FIGURATIVELY SPEAKING'^ 

(a rare raid in one act) 

BY 

Felton Elkins 



The author wishes it clearly understood that no re- 
flection is intended toward that very great little island — 
country-seat of Empire. Since no democracy does he 
hold in so great and grateful esteem. The place of 
scene is chosen as being more descriptive of the ** mo- 
ment" (America having merely been dangerously in- 
fested, never aerially visited by the Hun) ; the British 
uniform employed solely for its expression of smartness 
as well as good sense; and Lady Diana, purely because 
her type is, and always will be — geographically akin; 
despite the fact that we are to have a new and safer 
map to live in. 

83 



84 THREE TREMENDOUS TRIFLES 

CHARACTERS. 

Captain Sir Sampson Dasher {with a V.C., M.C., 

D.C.M., and D.S.O.) 
Lady Diana Dasher (Ms wife, heside otlier tilings) „ 
Lieut, the Hon. Featherbraine Dangerfield {of the 

War Office). 
Monsieur de Tripe {a Tiairdresser witJi a medal from 

the King of Montenegro) . * 
Delphine {Lady Diana's French and personal maid — of 

all work). 

Scene: The houdoir-hedroom of Lady Diana's tiny 
house in May fair, London, W. 

Time: midwinter, 1917. — Evening. 

Setting: The ^' Frame'' represents the 2nd floor of a 
plain small house front with, just visible, the top 
ledges of the three first-story windows and above a 
low Mansard roof. Behind which are seen the tops 
of stark, centurion trees against a leaden^ vespers 
sky. On *' lights up" {through the gauze drop) is 
revealed the interior of 2nd floor. Its decor is in 
watermelon pink. The furnishings are conspicuous 
— by their absence; they consist chiefly of a poud- 
reuse, back Center, canopied in blue with silver tas- 
sels; and, * Recessed" Right, on a low raised dias, a 
*^lit de repos" covered in rose and silver brocade — a 
robe of ermine thrown over the end. Opposite Left, 

* Not a Frenchman but a "camouflaged" Swiss. 



"FIGURATIVELY SPEAKING" 85 

a coal fire hums in the grate of a yelloiv marhle 
mantelpiece. Near it a deep, loiv, many-cusliioned 
settee, facing '^front.^* Two black lacquered cliairs 
and a Cliinese table casually placed — for conven- 
tions sake. Tlie ligliting is denoted by crystal wall- 
brackets witJi rose-colored shades. Tlie Exits down 
LEFT and back left, draped in two toned taffeta. 
On tJie walls are French prints, in character and 
out of costume. 

At Rise. The whole fagade is dark. 

Lights suddenly up in Boudoir, by the maid, 
Delphine. 

Discovering the Honorable and very mascidine 
Dasher, with many parti-colored citation ribbons, 
in a simple service uniform; seated on the settee 
with the very blonde, Diana {in appeal as well as 
attire.] Both in estatic embrace. 

Diana. 

[With no usual "start," just taking her lips off his, 
no more.] What time is it now, Delphine? 

Delphine. 

[hi good English witli French intonation.] Twenty 
past six, m'lady. 

Diana 

[Releasing Mm, and with as much emotion as one 
might use in a commentary on the iveather.] Dasher! 



86 THREE TREMENDOUS TRIFLES 

We must have been kissing steadily since twenty to five. 

Dasher. 

Small wonder, m^dear, when I've been twenty weeks 
out at the front. [SigJis Jieavily.] 

Delphine. 

[To Diana.] Monsieur le low-ten-on; the HonorabP 
Featherbraine Dangerfield, teleph'n thro' from the War 
Office, m'lady. 

Diana. 

[Noiv *' starting" to Tier feet in real alarm.] Oh, no, 
Delphine ! 

Delphine. 

To say there have been a *' warning'' — off the Cornish 
coast. 

Diana. 

[To Dasher.] You've no notion how terrified I am — 
[Adding quickly.] of the raids! 

Dasher. 

Haven 't I though ? Remember the time we went down 
to stop with your people in Kent? And a stray bomb 
lodged near 'em — got in such a funk, they dropped 
their knitting, their false teeth, and even their h'es. 



"FIGURATIVELY SPEAKING" 87 

[Takes one of Iter liands, pats it ivitli soldierly reas- 
surance.] Nothing to fear with me about, Diana, what? 
[As slie seems uncertain.] I say you are fond of me, 
dear girl? 

Diana. 

Can you doubt [Kissing Mm in a way to dis- 
miss even lier oivn.] I see so little of you now-a-nights. 
[Delphine tw^ns to witJidraw — sJie may he rigJit.] 

Dasher. 

Oh! — eh — Delphine. Fetch up a half -bottle of that 
Lanson, will you, I'm famished. 

Delphine. 
Bien, Sir Sampson. 

Dasher. 

And don't trouble about my kit, I'll see to it [With 
a meaning look to Diana.] after — er — later on. [Del- 
phine does witJidraw — sJie may he wrong.] 

Diana. 

[Putting off Jiis Englishman's awkward display of 
affection.] Now do stop long enough, dear boy, to let 
me tell vou — something — ^I feel I ought ■ 



88 THREE TREMENDOUS TRIFLES 

Dasher. 

[With the same heavy sigh as before.] Well, if you 
insist; what have you been doing [Taking out pipe and 
filling it.] with your — er— loose moments, Diana? 

Diana. 

[Going to dressing table and '^making up*' for lost 
nerve.] Oh! standing in queques to keep down my 
figure — I'm very well-rationed as you see — and making 
friends with women to keep up appearances. 

Dasher. 

The Lord knows you need 'em [Explaining artfully.] 
with that apparent-ly beautiful figure. [Lights pipe and 
seating himself.] Um — and since I was last home from 
France, who is your latest woman friend? 

Diana. 

A very reliable old dowager; nothing like a contrast 
— excepting a new man, to attract attention to a woman, 
you know. [Getting a photograph in a large lacquer 
frame.] In fact the only thing we really have in com- 
mon is the same hairdresser. 



"FIGURATIVELY SPEAKING" 89 

Dasher. 

[Involuntarily.] Not de Tripe? [Pronouncing it like 
tJiat part of a cow*s stomach.] 

Diana. 

[Handing Mm pJiotograpJi.] Why yes, how clever 
of you ; when I Ve only just been having him 

Dasher. 
Why, I've heard of him for years — sour old bounder. 

Diana. 

Merely because he has a ' ' maitresse ' ' he must still keep 
up — [With a shrug.] and he is far too old. [Pro- 
nouncing him with a French accent.] But Monsieur de 
Tripe is a connoisseur 

Dasher. 

[Impatiently.] In collecting scandal no doubt. 
[Dasher looks at photograph. Diana looks her fear.] 

[Re-enter Delphine with champagne, and two 
long-stemmed lavender glasses, on an oval tray. 
Sets it down and goes again.] 



90 THREE TREMENDOUS TRIFLES 

Dasher. 

[Holding photograph at full length.] Why this is 
old Lady Dangerfield. 

Diana. 

[Seemingly too preoccupied in not overpouring the 
champagne, except to whisper:] Featherbraine Danger- 
field's mother 

Dasher. 

[Thoughtfully.] Who telephoned over from White- 
hall to give you the ''warning." [Rising with a laugh.] 
I Ve no doubt, Diana, you 11 be considerate enough to 
return the compliment 

Diana. 

[Now in control of herself, so on the offensive.] No, 
my dear Dasher— noi^ there seems no longer to be any 
necessity. [Dasher nods, taking up his glass from salver 
and merely shrugs.] 

Diana. 

[Baffled hy silence, so on the defensive.] I supposo 
you have been quite true to me during your weeks **en 
repose"? [Raises glass and sips.] 



"FIGURATIVELY SPEAKING" 91 

Dasher. 

[After finisJiing Jiis.] Oh, yes, excepting life's little 
— er — ^necessities. 

Diana. 

[Savagely, pusJiing hack a blonde lock.] Ha! Amus- 
ing women, these French, are they not? 

Dasher. 

Oh! Er— no — [Filling their glasses.] all — brunettes, 
you understand? [Raising Ms glass and touching hers.] 
But here's to the most faithless of women, the most 
bewitching of wives — since — the fair Lady Hamilton 

Diana. 

[Melting.] You always did make me such delicious 
compliments, dear thing. [Suddenly, and setting down 
glass.] How piggish IVe been! 

Dasher. 
Not at all, m'dear! I've been at war— 



92 THREE TREMENDOUS TRIFLES 

Diana. 

[Covering Tier face witJi Tier Jiands.] Oh! Dasher, 
you do make me feel ashamed — if only you wouldn't 

be so modern, so natural — and sweet [Uncovering 

Tier eyes.] Don't you care for me any longer? 

Dasher. 

Assuredly, I do, my dear, but you have been an ex- 
ceedingly naughty girl. War is assuredly Hun. While 
we are trying to do for them on the West front, you're 
doing just like them in the West End. 

Diana. 

['^Making a face*' whicJi he misunderstands; swiftly.] 
I was only comparing you in my mind with Danger- 
field- 

Dasher. 

And what sort was he — ^to — er — ^love, you know — ? 
[Diana turns away.] Rather not? Well, as a dinner 
companion, then? [Diana shrugs.] Surely, Diana, he 
cared to dance with you of an evening and spare your 
feelings of a morning. 



"FIGURATIVELY SPEAKING" 93 

Diana. 

In the evening he was forever restless; at least he 
was always looking at his watch. 

Dasher. 

[Sincerely.] Poor Dangerfield. 

Diana. 

Oh! you needn't pity Mm — I'm a simple wreck 

from trying to entertain him [Suddenly.] Dasher, 

why can't lovers be more like — husbands? 

Dasher. 

Ho, you can't expect a mere lover to learn in a few 
weeks what I have been able to study for several years. 
[A wJiistle-like hell is lieard off. Dasher jumps. Diana 
retains Tier calm.] 

Dasher. 

What — the deuce's that? 

Diana. 

It may be the ^Svarning" — [Smiling.] to '*take 
cover." [As Dasher mops forehead with handkerchief.] 



94 THREE TREMENDOUS TRIFLES 

One'd have thought you'd become used to so monotonous 
a thing as Danger — [Jiastily] — with bravery badges such 
as yours. [Touching Ms ribbons.] 

[Enter Delphine.] 

[Diana hastens to her; Delphine whispers; Diana 
whispers; they both whisper.] 



Dasher. 

[His nerves stUl on edge.] Dem it all! Can't you 
tell me if it is Dangerfield ? 



Diana. 

[Turning to him.] Worse, oh! worse I 

Dasher. 
What on earth could be! 

DiANA; 

The hairdresser! de Tripe! If he should discover 
you here — dear boy ; before morning, old Lady Danger- 
field 'd have it; Featherbraine be told, and every one cut 
me 



"FIGURATIVELY SPEAKING" 95 

Dasher. 

It mustn't come to that! [FrigJitened into action of 
tJiougJit very rare to most officers.] Utterly absurd this! 
Quite simple I should think — send him straight off again ! 

Delphine. 

[WitJt a little sliriek.] Not have m lady's hair dress'? 
Imposeebr, Sir Sampson! 

Diana. 

My decoration, Dasher, is just as important to my 
vanity, as yours [Tapping ribbons.] are to you. 

Dasher. 

Couldn't you wear a hat ? 

Diana. 
What! go out, with a raid on? 

Delphine. 

[To Diana.] And the cutlets, m'lady? — ^what does 
become of the beautiful cutlets? [to Jiim.] When it 
have taken m'lady all the week to collect them, Sir 
Sampson. 



96 THREE TREMENDOUS TRIFLES 

Diana. 

[Waving Delphine to silence; to Dasher.] No, I have 
given up many things for men, my dear, hut — -go without 
my cutlets and my coiffeur, tJiat is asking too much, 
Dasher. 

Dasher. 

[With a resigned sJirug — looking about Myn.] Where 
would you suggest that I go m'dear? 

Diana. 

Oh! [Glancing about Tier too.] That's the worst of 
these early Victorian houses, there is no place of hid- 
ing 

Dasher. 

[Sarcastically.] Doubtless I could wait in the bath, 
that at least has modern appliances. 

Delphine. 

But this is m lady's shampoo night, Sir Sampson. 
Monsieur de Tripe never permit anything to confuse 
with the shampoo. 



"FIGURATIVELY SPEAKING" 97 

Dasher. 

[Metaphorically exploding.] Dem it all, that this — 
veritable piece of tripe should dare — dem it all — er — 
throw him into the street ! 

Diana. 

Splendid! The very place! Why didn't we think of 

it before? Doubtless because it was so obvious 

[Dasher loolis satisfied.] You shall go down and stop 
in the street, Dasher. [He snorts ivitli surprised and 
injured dig7iity.] Oh!. but only just long enough to get 
the hairdresser up ; then you may wait in the drawing- 
room, until — [Leaning closer, tlien remembering Del- 
PHiNE.] if 3^ou're a nice good thing — now trot! — [coo- 
ingly.] Do. 

Dasher. 

[Like a cMld.] Should like to be in on just one vic- 
tory in three years, even a domestic one'd do; how- 
ever [Bows and follows Delphine off.] 

[Diana uses tTie 'Hime space' ^ in adjourning to 
hatJiy at hack; returning witTi a large ** furry/' 
purplisli-yellow towel ahout Tier shoulders, which 
she fastens with long gold safety pin from poud- 
reuse; over this she slips a hright-striped silk 
rubber cape.] 



98 THREE TREMENDOUS TRIFLES 

DE Tripe. 

[Heard *'off," with a quite evident Strasshurg Swiss 
accent.] Oh, Zeut ! but my life is become one long wait- 
ing — ^like the war; already I have appointment to 
dress the hair of Dowager Dangerfield after — oh, Mon 
Dieu! I am annoyed with the life, Mademoiselle, and 
when I am annoy! Look around! Some woman she 
suffer. 

[de Tripe comes ''on" with Delphine and small 
black hag; Jie is bullet -Jieaded, but grey-wJiiskered 
and frock-coated.] 

Diana. 

[Sweetly.] Ah! Bon soir, Monsieur. 

de Tripe. 

Bon nuit, Madame. In Zurich — [Hastily correcting.] 
Vevey, one is hairdresser, not attendant sur le plaisir 
d^un mari. Je suis etonne 

Diana. 

Je suis enervee, ne me fachez pas! [de Tripe, Jias- 
tUy assists in removing pins from Tier hair.] Monsieur 
de Tripe. [Coldly.] You are in grave error, it is not — 
the Capitain my husband who is here 



"FIGURATIVELY SPEAKING" 99 

DE Tripe. 

Monsieur le lou-ten-on Danjerfier — he will be mos' 
happie to discover tliat your captain is to remain the 
night with you. [More pleasantly sarcastic] No one 
would he rather see in his place. 

Diana 

You remember that new perfume? 

Delphine. 
[To liim.] That for two pound ($10) a bottle t 

DE Tripe. 

[Opens small black hag.] II est superbe — ^like Mon- 
sieur le Capitain, a little too dear at the price, pent etre 
— non? [Takes out an odd-sJiaped, hrigJitly colored hot- 
tie.] 

Diana. 

If I give you an order for ten of these, [Tapping tJie 
hottle.] will that suffice to convince you 

DE Tripe. 

Twenty pound? [Holds up hottle and spanks it lov- 
ingly.] Absolument! Merci, merci, bien madame. 



100 THREE TREMENDOUS TRIFLES 

Diana. 
Mais, vous savez — pourqiioi? 

DE Tripe. 

Parfaitment, madame, pour dix bouteilles I do not 
discover 

Delphine. 

Monsieur Sir Sampson's kit downstair'; so he is not 
arrive! [Takes bottle and kisses it.] 

Diana. 

[To DE Tripe.] Votre parole d'honneur? 

DE Tripe. 
[LigJitly.] Ah! mais oui, ma parole d'honneur. 

Diana. 
Bon. [Ai^ising.] Alors, allons. [Goes into hatJi.] 

[Delphine turns out lights in Boudoir.] 

[At Bach of roof, strong, fhin shafts of sear Might 
are visible, playing tag with the clouds.] 



"FIGURATIVELY SPEAKING" 101 

DE Tripe. 

[Startled — hut polite.] Pourquoi, Mademoiselle, la 
lumiere ? 

Delphine. 

We expect, mon cher ami, a visit from ze Hun- 

DE Tripe. 

Ah! Mon Dieu! [TJioivs up Jiis Jiands.] And I am 
so terrify! 

Delphine. 

Of their black cartes de visites? [Laughs as he goes 
into bath.] 

[The hell agam, and at the same moment the short, 
sharp ivhistle of a police warning. Delphine 
exits quickly.] 

[There is a still hush, except for the shuffle of many 
hurrying feet, and here or there a motor-hus 
horn.] 

DE Tripe. 

[Re-entering almost immediately.] Non, non, I am 
positive, Madame, I hear the ' ' warning. ' ' 



102 THREE TREMENDOUS TRIFLES 

Diana. 

[With Jiair tossed about, following Jiim.] I tell you 
it was the house bell. Come, Monsieur, my hair! We 
have always spent at least an hour 

DE Tripe. 

Bet I always spend ze air-raid in a drawing-room. 
[Starts for it.] 

Diana. 

[Holding Mm hack.] Oh, don't behave such a cow- 
ard. 

DE Tripe. 

Bet I am a coward. I am proud for being a coward. 
[Struggling to get free.] It is origenal at leas* now-a- 
day! 

[Re-enter Delphine witJi most of Dasher's hit, in- 
cluding Jiis Sam Browne belt, wttJi sword frog 
and revolver case.] 

Delphine. 

Lourten-on Dangerfield is arrived, m'lady. He begs 
if you excuse him not coming up as the first warning 
has been sound and he say he alway spend the air-raid 
in a drawing-room. 



"FIGURATIVELY SPEAKING" 103 

Diana. 

[As Delphine ''takes over*^ de Tripe.] But Del- 
phine, where is Sir Sampson? 

DELPfflNE. 

Stopping in the street, m'lady. • '' - 

Diana. 

Eight so far! [Another ''warning^* is Jieard.] But 
oh, now what am I to do! [Discovering Delphine in 
the act of what she takes to he hugging de Tripe.] What 
are you doing? 

Delphine. 

[Calmly.] I take the pracaution of attempt to tickle 
him to death, m'lady — ^verry few old gentleman can 
resist it. 

Diana. 

[Desperate — so forgetting herself.] de Tripe, I will 
give you the twenty quid on the spot, or name your own 
figure if you will only brave it into this '^show," and 
**take cover'* next door. 



104 THREE TREMENDOUS TRIFLES 

DE Tripe. 

[Indicating the button on Ms lapel witJi one hand and 
struggling against Delphine with the other.] J'ai recu 
zis medal from le Roi de Montenegro for 'aving so 
superb fear in the first cutting of 'is Crown Prince' 
hair — so what I care for you! I am decorate for a 
coward. [Wrenching free of Delphine.] Now I go now 
to ze drawing-room. 

Delphine. 

Mais, vous oubliez pas votre parole d'honneur! 

DE Tripe. 

Zeut, [Snapping his fingers.] pour ma parole d'hon- 
neur, in Zurich — [Turns to holt, hut instead in the arms 
of the entering Dasher.] 

Dasher. 

[Throwing him aside and out.] Do hope you won't 
object to my running up, Diana, I 

Diana. 

Oh, no, I didn't fancy you stopping out in the 

raid [Beams warmly on him, then remembering.] 

But he's here now. 



"FIGURATIVELY SPEAKING" 105 

Dasher. 
Who is, m'love? 

Diana. 
Dangerfield, my dear. 

Dasher. 

The deuce he is! Then I can't afford to lose a mo- 
ment — think of your reputation. 

Diana. 

But the raid! On any moment now 

Dasher. 

— of course, it is! Where the devil's my kit — not 
below. 

Delphine. 

I take ze pracaution, Sir Sampson [Hangs it 

about Mm; duffle hag, Sam Browne belt and all.] 

[Now titer e is heard tJie dull sobbing tJiud and like 
tJie spontaneous combustion of a million electric 
lamps, the bursting report of a bomb.] 



106 THREE TREMENDOUS TRIFLES 

Diana. 

Oh! you're too late. • 

Dasher. 

Nonsense, this is a mere pony show- • 

Diana. 
But the shrapnel ! It falls all about here. 

Dasher. 

Believe me — I 'm a jolly sight less afraid of the conse- 
quences of shrapnel than shampoo. [Pointing helow.] 

Diana. 

de Tripe — great Heavens! He must have told Dan- 
gerfield by now. 

[But the **anties'* — anti-aircraft guns — liave begun 
their had average target practice at hitting 
heaven; their chorus like giant-powered motors 
before a Grand Prix; the sky full of spitting 
flames.] 

Dasher. 

[After a lull.] Now, I'm off— take care of yourself, 
Diana. 



"FIGURATIVELY SPEAKING" 107 

Diana. 

[Distracted, pleading.] But I won^t hear of it, 
Dasher — don't behave such a child. [Desperately.] 
Delphine, can't you think of some precaution again? 
[Delphine has already slipped Dasher's revolver 
from its holster, and now hands it over to Diana. To 
Dasher at door, pointing it at him.] Now! I'm not 
going to see you killed if I can help it ! * * Kamerad ! ' ' 
[Dasher flings up his hands — as if hy second nature, 
then laughs, drops them, and turns to door which he 
throws open, to find: The Honorable Featherbraine 
Dangerfield standing in its entry; delicate looking, and 
delightfully done in uniform, with staff tabs and 
monocle; as Diana is saying:] Oh! I can't hold him 

back another instant I don't know how to get the 

wretched thing to go off! 

Dangerfield. 

Great God ! — I say, Dianesque, do put the toy away — 
can't you see, you might by chance kill mel [Crosses and 
takes it from Diana, turning to Dasher who is sneak- 
ing out.] Captain Dasher — no need to pop off into that 
show. I know everything. I mean to say 

Diana. 

So do be sensible, dear thing, you might be **done in" 
out there, you know. 



108 THREE TREMENDOUS TRIFLES 

Dangerfield. 

Ratheur it'd — ^look so nasty; not easy to explain, an' 
that sort o' thing. 

Diana. 

And as Featherbraine says he— his mother will know 
everything- 

Dasher. 

Better dead then, dear girl, than you at the mercy of 
any woman who knows everything 

Dangerfield. 

[LocMng tJie door as Delphine leaves, and addressing 
tJiem.] Now you will take chat with me, you two. I 
find you — but liow do I find you ? In a rendez-vous ! like 
two happy lovers— — [To Diana.] You, Diana, in neg- 
ligee — champagne about-r-and — all that sort of thing — 
how am I informed? by a mere hairdresser, of this — 
event; this re-union — ^bah! It is unheard of! not good 
enough. I mean to say — - 

Dasher. 

[Sadly.] Does sound a bit rough on you, Dangerfield, 
what? 



"FIGURATIVELY SPEAKING" 109 

Diana. 

Oh! don't be absurd, Dasher. 

Dasher. 

After all, you have been unfaithful to him, my love. 

Diana. 

What rot, my dear, a woman can only be faithful to 
one man at a time. 

Dangerfield. 

[To Diana.] Understand me — I can quite compre- 
hend your being unfaithful to me, Dianesque, it is quite 
to be expected — women always grow tired of me — [With 
a slirug.] — why, I do not know — and I could have borne 
it — if it had been normal — usual — some other chap — and 
all that sort of thing — hut — tliis — is positively — indecent 
— really, an outrage — the re-union of a husband and 
wife — an insult to society, by Jove — it is, you know! 
[Looks at hotli in dejected dignity. Diana laughs en- 
joy ably. Dasher gives her a look of reproof.] 

Dangerfield. 

Understand! I could have borne it if only you had 
not returned to your own husband — someone's else hus- 
band, yes, by all means! but your own — that is what is 



110 THREE TREMENDOUS TRIFLES 

so — immoral! [Again Diana laughs. Dasher frowns. 
But tJie rest is cut short by another rehearsal with 
heaven; for a mordent longer^ Dangerfield tries to make 
himself heard, then lie gives up. Dasher very casually 
removes his kit; Diana seats herself, lights cigarette and 
looks at a *^ Tattler.'* Dangerfield finally seats himself 
and cleans Ms monocle. At last — a bomb — a hellish near 
one — then silence.] 

Dasher. 

Well, Dangerfield [To her.] Diana, what's to 

be done? 

Dangerfield. 

[Slipping monocle in eye, crossing his legs, then very 
offhand to Dasher.] I think it best, I shoot you. That 
is done in such cases, I believe. [Takes Dasher's gun 
from pocket of his own tunic, examines it critically, then 
levels it at Dasher. Diana screams, and screens him.] 

Dasher. 

[Quietly, patting her back — in reassurance.] Don't 
excite yourself m' dear — I say what a beautiful back 
you really have. 

Dangerfield. 

[Agonized — pleading.] Stop! I've no desire to kill 
you both 



"FIGURATIVELY SPEAKING" 111 

Dasher. 

No fear, Diana. He won't! It isn't the ihm^ now — 
not that we have become cowards, but we liave become 
educated — to the meaning of the Sixth Commandment 
— ''Thou shalt not kill;" because one does not get rid of 
grief by killing, only a grievance, and migJit get ' ' twenty 
years." No, we at last realize that revenge merely 
means remorse — and you know Dangerfield, one cannot 
kill remorse, so advise your putting that thing away — 
it upsets my wife. 

Dangerfield. 

[Rising on this — and to it; almost screaming.] *' Your 
wife!" . How dare you in my presence — so indelicate, I 
mean to say. But I can be revenged, I will — I can make 
a proper scandal — what? and I will. . . . 

Diana. 

Oh! Dasher, that I can't bear — that we cannot afford! 

Dasher. 

[Consoling to 7ier, then to Dangerfield.] Why go to 
all the trouble. [To Diana again.] You can divorce me 
for desertion — at the front. [To him.] Then you can 
marry Diana yourself 



112 THREE TREMENDOUS TRIFLES 

Diana. 

Oh! Don't do anything so banal, so cruel. [Whis- 
pering.] Featherbraine was bad enough as a lover; 
God knows I do not want him for a husband! [Dasher 
shrugs despairingly — turns away and re-lights his pipe.] 

Dangerfield. 

[Sitting down again, his monocle dropping with his 
hopes.] Was / not treated just like a husband? Did 
I not have all the petty unpleasantness, the wretched 
little intimacies — Bah ! and all that sort- — - 

Diana. 

[Sharply to him.] Don't say that again! I shall go 
mad. And what about you ? Never did yoii anticipate a 
single wish — without my telling you — never appreciated 
one of my charming whims 

Dangerfield. 
[Soh fully.] But your charming self — — - 

Diana. 
[Scoffingly.] My figure you mean ! 



"FIGURATIVELY SPEAKING" 113 

Dangerfield. 

[Brokenly.] All I wanted was to love you, Dian- 
esque, and all 

Diana. 

That sort of thing! Ooli! The comparison between 
you two is comic! 

Dasher. 

[Comfortably to Diana.] You are cruel rather, 
though, m ' dear, you know. 

Diana. 

[Witli rage.] Why — we never even spoke the same 
language 

Dangerfield. 

[Snapping.] Why, you did nothing, the continual 
time, hut talk. 

Diana. 

[To Dasher.] He had no sense of humor! 

Dangerfield. 
[To Dasher.] What man in love ever has time ! 



114 THREE TREMENDOUS TRIFLES 

Dasher. 

[More complacently.] It is the same old tale, you 
two good people; we men forever persist in idealizing 
our loves instead of treating them like ordinary human 
creatures ; — [ To Diana. ] — while you women could never 
be happy without a grievance and being misunderstood 
is the most popular of them. 

Dangerfield. 

[Burying Jiis head in Tiis hands , his monocle sivinging 
hetiveen.] I might as well have married her myself. 

Dasher. 

Much better. [As Diana screams out in protest.] But 

yoii'd have been much happier, dear girl [To 

both.] Lovers, you know, are no longer a novelty, 
they^re just a necessary evil, like margerine queques or 
reprisal raids, or— -er 

Diana. 

Hairdressers! 

Dasher. 

[As Dangerfield jumps to his feet and the disperson 
sounds.] Now, listen to reason, Dangerfield — there's no 
romance in being commonplace, is there? Lovers are! 



"FIGURATIVELY SPEAKING" 115 

No throbbing excitement, no longer any joy of intrigue, 
no subtlety, nor imagination in being a lover these days. 
Since lovers are accepted, and ''asked about to stop" 
and not asked to stop. [Tlie signal ''All clear ^^ is heard 
off, long repeated.] 

Dangerfield. 

{Sloivlif, ominously.] Can you explain then, Di- 
anesque ? 

Dasher. 

I'm sure she can, Dangerfield — women can explain 
anything — but themselves! So it isn't necessary — my 
advice to you is to go out now it's "all clear" and get 
a wife 

Dangerfield. 

There seems nothing else for it ! [Savagely, replacing 
the monocle.] Then I shall have the laugh, I 

mean [Hastily correcting.] I was about to say! 

on the others — those unfortunate lovers. [Diana sigJis 
relief. Dasher nods, approving. Tliere is a loud knock 
at tJie door.] 

Dangerfield. 

[Magnanimously.] But do tell me, what can I do, 
to show my [Again tjie knock.] 



116 THREE TREMENDOUS TRIFLES 

Dangerfield. 

[As lie turns to door.] -^my gratitude to you both for 

the temporary inconvenience I've — er — caused in 

[Opens the door.] 

DE Tripe. 

[His wJiiskers awry — Ms eyes still staring witJi f right.] 

Pardon, Messieurs, Madame, I come for the [As 

Diana catches her breath, in remembrance; crosses to 
get small black bag.] 

Diana. 

[To Dangerfield.] You were saying, Featherbraine 
— and I '11 tell you what you can do — present me with ten 
bottles of Monsieur de Tripe's new perfume. [Dasher 
looks dashed. Enter Delphine.] 

Dangerfield. 

Gladly — er — how much the figure — price, I mean to 
—pay? 

Delphine. 
[Promptly.] Twenty pounds, sir, if you please. 

Diana. 
Delphine — what does this mean| 



"FIGURATIVELY SPEAKING" 117 

Delphine. 

[With fliat look of true affection only a woman can 
slioiv for anotlier.] Merely, m'lady, that I have taken 
the praeaution of marrying Monsieur de Tripe after the 
''banns." 

DE Tripe. 

[Crossing to Delphine.] To protect my gray hair 
from the — my mistress ! [Boivs profoundly — drawing 
Delphine out with him.] 

Dasher. 

There, you have it, Dangerfield — I tell you it's the 
thing. 

Dangerfield. 

Right, but you can't blame me, sir, for 

Dasher. 
Not at all, dear boy 

Dangerfield. 
Dianesque has a most beautiful figure, you know. 



118 THREE TREMENDOUS TRIFLES 

Dasher. 

Most interesting figure, yes, good evening. 

Diana. 

[Talcing Dasher's liand as Dangerfield leaves.] But 
how we do seem to run to figures, don 't we ? 

CURTAIN. 



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